The Quickflix Awards!

If there is one thing the world needs, it’s another awards ceremony. Sure, the Academy Awards are respectable. And yes, lots of celebrities attend the Golden Globes. But we at Quickflix believe neither are quite as truthful or honest as they could be.

So, it is my pleasure to introduce you to THE 2009 QUICKFLIX AWARDS, in which we celebrate the very best (and occasionally, the very worst) in cinema!

Take a look at this year’s selections and let us know if there are any awards you would like to handout to films, filmmakers or their stars.

Also, if you have a suggestion for a catchy title for THE QUICKFLIX AWARDS (a’la “the Oscars” or “the Globes”) we’d love to hear your thoughts. We were toying around with “the Quickies” for awhile, but you’ll understand why we decided against it.

2009 MVP – Seth Rogen

He saved Monsters vs. Aliens, he stole Funny People, and in Observe and Report he delivered one of the most demented characters in film history. The Hangover will be remembered as the comedy hit of the year, but no one made us laugh harder than Seth.

2009 LVP – Christian Bale

Public Enemies AND Terminator: Salvation? Rough year Chrissy. Not to mention all those allegations of a domestic disturbance between himself, his wife and his mother. Well, at least his leaked on-set tirade at DOP Shane Hurlbut gave us the single greatest quote of the year: “You and I are done professionally!”

Best Male Performance – Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds)

“Monsieur LaPadite, to you and your cows I say, bravo!” Christoph Waltz was the best thing about the movies in 2009.

Best Female Performance – Charlyne Yi (Paper Heart)

In a year where Meryl did Julia, Carey did Audrey, and Zooey did, well, the same thing she always does, only Charlyne Yi introduced us to a comic creation so wonderfully unique: Charylne Yi. No leading lady was as lovable in 09.

Best Australian Film – Mary and Max

Samson and Delilah was great, but it didn’t hit us quite like Mary and Max, which was a beautifully realised claymation masterpiece. Lyrical, haunting, funny and uniquely Australian, this is one for the time capsule.

Best Foreign Language Film – Thirst

South Korean director Park Chan-wook could have filmed himself reading the newspaper and it would likely rank as our favourite foreign language film of the year. Thankfully, he instead delivered a hilarious, sexy, disturbing and very very bloody vampire flick like no other.

Best Documentary – Anvil: The Story of Anvil

It’s been said a million times, but this is Spinal Tap … for real. It’s a hilariously tragic and touching true story about real men in an unreal situation. For fans of rock music, the eighties and cinema.

Biggest Tearjerker – Up

If you didn’t cry during the first 10 minutes of Up, you have no soul. YOU HAVE NO SOUL!!! In fact, had John Carpenter‘s The Thing been made in 2009, Kurt Russell would have figured out which of his workmates had been turned into an alien by tying them to a chair, making them watch Up, and checking if they were crying or not.

Best Musical Sequence – (500) Days of Summer

From now on, we would like a Hall and Oates musical number in every film thankyou.

Best Ending – Drag Me To Hell and A Serious Man

Both of these endings are the cinematic equivalent of the Coen Brothers and Sam Raimi jumping out at the end of their respective films and shouting at the audience: “Boom! That just happened!”

Best Movie Poster – Moon and Thirst

Hypnotising.

Sexy.

Film Most Unfairly Destroyed By Critics – Knowing

The presence of Nicolas Cage pretty much elicits laughter in any film these days. That being said, I don’t feel audiences gave enough credit to Alex Proyas’ sensitive and philosophically challenging sci-fi flick Knowing. It has its flaws, I cannot deny it. But the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and overall the film remains one of my favourite of the year.

Worst Directorial Decisions of the Year – Robert Zemeckis and Michael Mann

Robert Zemeckis: “You know what would make Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol even better? If we motion-captured all the performances, making all the characters seem inhuman and creepy looking!”

Michael Mann: “Public Enemies is going to look so great when I shoot it entirely in HD Video, at night, in extreme close-up, with rapid cuts!”

The Kirk Lazarus Award for Racial Sensitivity – Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

An insightful appreciation of all races. No one is spared from its keen eye. I look forward to seeing Mickey Rooney voice a Japanese robot in Transformers 3: Me No Rikey.

Discuss: What awards would you hand out to the films, filmmakers and performers of 2009?

6 Responses to “The Quickflix Awards!”

  1. sorry that summary of Transformers is genius! props!!

  2. Loved this! Best poster though? Girlfriend experience! (didn't see the movie though)

  3. oh and I thought Film Most Unfairly Destroyed By Critics should have gone to Blindness a) because I thought it was really well madeb) because I was someone who destroyed Knowing myself 😛

  4. Loved the list… but Seth Rogen *saved* Monsters Vs. Aliens?… Monster Vs Aliens was great!

  5. I do like "the Quickies" as the Awards name…come on…we're all grown up enough to handle it!Can I suggest an additional category…. most cringeworthy actor & actress (as a nod to absolutely terrible/most unbelievable casting decisions)? Nominations – Tom Cruise in Valkyrie, everyone in Final Destination 4, Katherine Heigl in The Ugly Truth….?

  6. Could we do without the Bale rumor-mongering? And for what its worth his performance in PE was good, just not revelatory.

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