The Quickflix Oscar Live-Blog

Will French film The Artist become the first non-US/UK production to win Best Picture? Can Meryl Streep collect her third acting Oscar? Could funny people Jonah HillMelissa McCarthyKristen Wiig, and Bret McKenzie take home an Academy Award? Will anyone be able to pronounce the name Michel Hazanavicius? All will be revealed. Join us for …

Also follow us on Twitter and Facebook to see all the result of the 84th Academy Awards, as well as our thoughts on the inevitable controversial and cringe-worthy moments, and our running tally of Muppet appearances (it better be greater than ‘one’!). We’re even giving away prizes!

03:09: And that’s all she wrote folks! Thanks so much for joining us. Feel free to celebrate/complain about the ceremony (or my comments) below! See you next year – unless you read this blog regularly. I’m here all the time.

03:08: “I want to thank Billy Wilder, and I want to thank Billy Wilder, and I want to thank Billy Wilder.” Someone broke the Hazanavicius-bot!

03:07: Never mind, there he is. Now dance!

03:05: BEST PICTURE – The Artist. Uggie is nowhere to be found. He retired too young!

03:02: It’s the last award of the night folks. Here comes Tom Cruise. Mission: Impossible – anything beating The Artist.

03:01: To steal a Jon Stewart joke, I’m glad The Iron Lady won two Oscars, because too often bad movies are ignored by the Academy.

03:00: Standing ovation. Drink!

02:59: BEST ACTRESS – Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady. Her 3rd Oscar from 17 nominations.

02:54: Presenters Colin Firth and Natalie Portman are right. The achivements of these nominees are the greatest things ever done in human history.

02:53: “They must be going nuts in France right now. Or whatever the French have in place of joy.” – Billy

02:49: “I love your country!”

02:48: BEST ACTOR – Jean Dujardin, The Artist

02:44: Fun Fact – Louis C.K. was meant to star in The Descendants before George Clooney. Clooney is good, but I would prefer Louis get an Oscar.

02:42: Black Swan’s Natalie Portman up to present Best Actor. Her dancing double is not present. She will claim to be.

02:35: That wasn’t offensive. Phew.

02:34: “What a Wonderful World” soundtracks the passing of Jane Russell, Polly Platt, Ken Russell, Whitney Houston, Bingham Ray, Bert Schneider, Peter Falk, Cliff Robertson, Laura Ziskin, Sidney Lumet, Steve Jobs, Tim Hetherington, Ben Gazzara, Elizabeth Taylor, and many more.

02:33: Tribute from Billy to former Oscar producer, the late Gil Cates.

02:31: In Memoriam montage coming up. Prepare to get outraged over someone’s inevitable exclusion.

02: 28: Another standing ovation! Drink!

02:25: Meryl Streep talks about The Governer’s Awards, which recognised Oprah Winfrey, James Earl Jones, and make-up artist Dick Smith.

02:22: He forgot his speech! Bless. “I want to thank Uggie the dog…he’s not that good.” Low blow, Michel!

02:21: ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING – Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist. It’s all over folks!

02:20: “Our next present was occupying Wall Street before it was cool.” Michael Douglas takes the stage to present Best Director. Before Actor or Actress?

02:14: BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM – The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

02:13: Congrats to everyone who guesstimated accurately in their Office Pools on these!

02:12: BEST DOCUMENTARY, SHORT SUBJECT – Saving Face

02:11: Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy see Scorsese and take a shot.

02:10: BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT – The Shore

02:08: The cast of Bridesmaids! Wendi, Ellie, Kristen, Maya, Melissa, and Rose! Penis jokes!

02:07: Milla Jovovich was this year’s gorgeous celebrity to hang out with the tech-heads at the ‘Not Pretty Enough to Televise’ Awards.

01:58: BEST WRITING, ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY – Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris. He’s not there, obviously.

01:57: Jim Rash plays Dean Pelton on Community. This is wonderful. Shame the film isn’t that great.

01:56: BEST WRITING , ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash from The Descendants by Kaui Hart Hemmings

01:54: “The Original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”, Angelina Jolie.

01:47: BEST ORIGINAL SONG – Bret McKenzie, “Man or Muppet” from The Muppets. Because, of course.

01: 46: Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis emerge from the Orchestra Pit with giant cymbals.

01:43: BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – Ludovic Bource, The Artist. No one tell Kim Novak!

01:42: Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson – two of the best voices in the industry – present Best Score.

01:40: Academy President Tom Sherak. Toilet break!

01:38: A classic Crystal bit. What are the nominees thinking? Brad Pitt – “This better not go too late. I have six parent-teacher conferences in the morning”. Nick Nolte – “Glergggggggbahaaaahhha”.

01:30: BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Christopher Plummer, Beginners. At 82, he’s the oldest actor to ever win an Oscar (though he’s still a whippersnapper compared to Max Von Sydow, who has 8 months on him). Another standing ovation!

01:28: Melissa Leo up to present Best Supporting Actor. Where’s Kirk Douglas?

01:26: ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS – Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossmann, and Alex Henning, Hugo

01:22: Ben Stiller and Emma Stone presenting Visual Effects. Stone laps it up. Stiller stonefaces it. “We should have some banter!” “Jonah, get up here and dance!”

01:22: Melissa McCarthy’s character from Bridesmaids now hitting on Billy Crystal.

01:15: BEST ANIMATED FEATURE – Rango. Not just deserving because Pixar didn’t produce a contender. Genuinely great flick.

01:14: Chris Rock takes the stage. To usurp Billy? We can only hope.

01:13: BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE – Undefeated

01:12: RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow making a “documentary” called The Presenter. If this is a dig at I’m Still Here, I do not approve. (It’s underrated!)

01:10: Pepper Potts and Tony Stark head to the stage to present the Documentary prize.

01:07: It’s hard enough to keep people quiet and off their phones in the cinema, let alone stop them from jumping around like this. Have some respect for your fellow patrons!

01:05: Inspired by Knocked Up, Meryl Streep is watching this while on shrooms.

01:04: Kermit and Miss Piggy! Yay! They’re introducing Cirque du Soleil. Boo!

00:59: Achievement in Sweating – Harvey Weinstein, producer of The Artist, surely.

00:58: ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING – Tom Fleischman and John Midgley, Hugo

00:55: ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING – Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty, Hugo

00:53: ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING – Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Congrats to Aussie Kirk!

00:52: Out come “two very funny people” – Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper. Close enough!

00:49: Billy Crystal returns from the ads with a “clip” of a focus group’s reaction to The Wizard of Oz. Featuring the cast of Christopher Guest’s films!

00:43: A standing ovation! Drink!

00:42: BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Octavia Spencer, The Help

00:40: Christian Bale presenting Best Supporting Actress. Crystal gets in a dig at the Dark Knight. “Be careful you’re not in his eye-line.”

00:36: BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – A Separation

00:31 Sandler talks about Sean Connery’s chest hair inspiring him to become an actor. Finally, an explanation for Jack & Jill.

00:30: Another montage! Actors sharing their most memorable movie-watching experience. Among them – 11 time Razzie nominee Adam Sandler!

00:27: ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKE-UP – Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland, The Iron Lady

00:25: ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN –  Mark Bridges, The Artist.

00:24: Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez presenting Costume Design. “Loose enough to prove you’re a lady.” That’s them describing the finest costumes.

00:21 :Back from the ad-break with our first montage of Oscar classics. Forrest Gump, Titanic, Twilight… erm.

00:16: “For Italy”. Is that an attack on France? The Euro is in enough trouble as it is!

00:14: ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION – Dante Ferretti & Francesca Lo Schiavo, Hugo

00:12: ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY – Hugo, Robert Richardson.

00:11: Out comes Kentucky Fried Hanks (goatee!) for the first award.

00:08: The Jonah Hill fat-joke came a little too soon for our liking.

00:08: Cue inevitable song and dance. We’re charmed… for now.

00:05: Billy Crystal as semi-animated Tintin – most distressing image of the evening? The bar has been set high!

00:03: Bieber’s nominated for Cinematography, right?

00:01: Cue inevitable Billy Crystal video montage. Surely Brett Ratner should be getting electro-shocked?

00:00: Welcome everyone! Here we go!

Discuss: Who do you think deserves to take home a prize?

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